on a light note...

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the passing face.....

what if...we had never met.  an idea that for the past years, i have pushed out of my head.  a thought i never wanted to think about.  but what if.  if i had never met you......so we "fast forward."  i don't know you.  you don't know me.  on a busy street, we're both walking...opposite directions.  we lock eyes...what runs through my head?  what through yours?  would you have fallen in love with me....would i have returned the favor?  who would you be in that life?  would i be different?  knowing who we both are now...what would i have thought of you?  would you be just like you are...or different....or would you even cross my mind a second time.  maybe you would have been just another face on a busy street...just trying to get to wherever your life was taking you.  without me....so then...in that regard...would you then be the one chasing?  or maybe we would both move on.  just a second on a street.  say we meet again.  would you talk to me...not knowing anything?  how would i respond...i wonder.

i can tell you what i would be.  i would be just another person.  i would see you, really see you.  i would be much different, this i know for a fact.  you changed my life, how could i be the same without you?  i would listen, just as i always have.  you would cross my mind...every day, constantly.  your face would have still stood out in my mind from millions.  i wouldn't move on...i would walk on...but not move on.  i would tell you, when we met again, that it wouldn't be the last time.  at least i would hope.  but if you were the same person you are now....would it be?

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...insane.

so i've experienced something this week that has been really wierd for me...painful...but still strange.  it was definitely a learning experience.  you can give trust to people who haven't earned it and don't deserve it, but the same thing will happen every time.  they will take your words and turn them into something they aren't and if you aren't careful, it will turn you into something you aren't.  you'll want revenge.  but i realized that no matter how much said person hurt me or made me angry...i couldn't deliver rightful punishment.  sure, i could ruin their life...but it wouldn't be my responsibility.  of course there's a part of me that thinks they should get what they deserve, but i can't do squat about it...so i let it go.  that's really hard to do...especially for me, being as stubborn and headstrong as i am.  i know none of you know really what's going on...and i don't really plan on telling you because it's partially my fault.  (another thing that's hard for me to admit.)  so...just know i learned something...and i haven't posted a thought in a while so i thought i'd catch ya up!  :) have a wonderful life.

(p.s.....i made mid-state choir.  that's a good thing :] lol)

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...you should know...

You'll never know how much pain you cause me.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go.

You cause me more pain that you can imagine.

You'll never know how much I love you.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go.

I love you more than you'll ever realize.

You'll never understand how it feels.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go.

It feels worse than anything I've ever felt.

But most of all you'll never know what I think.

That is, unless I tell you.

So here I go...

I think that if you would open up your eyes a little more, you would see what has been in front of you for years.  I think if you let yourself, you could understand.  You would know all these things.  You would know how I feel, you would know how it hurts, and most of all, you would know how much I love you.  Maybe you do.  If you would only let yourself, you could feel it too.  But I can't try anymore.  I have nothing left to give to you.  I want you to know that you changed my life...and you still are.  I can't stand to be without you.  I need you to hear me.

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...why...

i haven't ever realized until the past 2 weeks what regret really feels like.  Not regretting doing something, but not doing it.  Not saying what you really mean, while you have the time.  Because before you know it, time is taken away.  Not taking chances while you have the chance...not really feeling while you have the opportunity.  Not loving while love is staring you in the face.  Then it gets taken away, snatched rather, and you have no more time.  You'll never get the chance again.  Never get the chance to tell someone how much they mean to you or what an impact they've made in your life.  How much you loved them, or how you never wanted to let them go.  You never say anything.  They tell you time and again how much you mean to them, that they never want to let you go, and you remain silent.  Knowing in your heart you want to say the same, because you feel the same, but you're afraid of being hurt.  You don't have fun because you figure you have all the time in the world to ride that one rollercoaster...to watch that one show...to have that one kiss.  But the truth is, you don't know.  You hope.  Another chance will never be given, so you must take it.  Say what you want while you still have the time.  Even though they are not dead, they are gone.  Go back...find them, tell them what you really feel for them.  Hurry, before it's too late.  Make them listen, understand....

EVEN THOUGH I DON'T.  Why...how?  Those are my only questions now.  I love you.  I want you to know that.  But you never will.

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