here i am

March 19 2009

 Here s where I am.
  The sun is shining down where I am. Its beautiful. I have opportunities everywhere.
school has been great just finished up spring play- lead female role. I’m not the smartest of us but been doing really good in my classes, and its taken effort. Worth it. Been involved in FCA. Next year I am going to be either vp or president. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready for president, but if the girl who is going to be gives up on this battle she’s been struggling with it will be me. Made youth leadership. Been miming a little. Not on the team anymore, though. Been running. Ah.. piano, harmonica. Lots going on.

 Life is good. And God is good. All the time. He has put me back on my feet. It took me realizing that I can’t be depressive. I have to decide I want joy, and look for light not wander in darkness. Now there is light and it is good.
 Been single for over a month. When I look at him I get down but then I smile. We had a good thing. When I see couples I smile because they are so happy, then I cry. I miss that, but then I’m happy again because I’ll be like that again. Whether its him or not who’s to say. It ll come together in time. Always does. if its 4 month or 3 years it ll happen. For once I’m not worried about it. Why should I be, ya know? I am enjoying what I have now.
 and life is… wonderful. People are wonderful. Actually no, people are pathetic and low. But when you talk to the worse of worst you understand they are a lot like yourself. They have desires, and good intentions, but they fail, and fall. But yeah.. life is still wonderful.
 I’m sure by now no one is even reading this.  But its okay. Its more me than you anyways, but by chance someone is thank you.

my part time lover my full time friend.

January 17 2009


The thing with sin, we have so much temptation anyways that we shouldn't put sin in front of ourselves and try to walk past it. sure we can try and test ourselves, but by doing that we rely on ourselves not God. and then we miserably fail. and we wonder why we thought we were stronger than that. don't be where you shouldn't be, that's where it starts.
 i tried to hide like eve in the garden,

                 and keep all this stuff from you.

i tried and tried again,

              to reason it all through.
but when i realized i was hurting you, and hurting me too,
                                 then i knew you had to know the truth.
 now you know , know what i hid,

                                     and you know, know what i did.
will you be alright, will you be okay?

 & do you know what to do, do know which way?

i lay this down at your feet,

                         and i stumble with apologies,
wishing you wouldn't forgive me,
                       maybe you will show me just how much im sorry.
I hate getting what i dont deserve,
                                and grace, oh mercy i can not repay.
i have learned my lesson,
                               and i promise to love you best in every way.

you won't get it

December 11 2008

You will never get it.

 No you can’t understand.

Not by any conversation, or touch of a hand.

I hurt, but I’m okay.

 No words can describe what I have to say.

 It can not wait, I can not take this…

 The sad thing is you’ll never get it.

I can't really love her.

December 11 2008

Is it possible that I will ever be able to love her completely?

 I love her, but so many times I feel this inner twined hatred within me when she is around. I just feel like I can’t fully love her because of who she is. And that is my problem. I can’t stand that I can’t really love her.

 Yesterday was act 1 since she’s been home. All out screaming, and fighting! Tears fill my eyes. I hate it. I can’t take it. My mother gets so upset, and she shouldn’t be crying and stressed like this. It hurts me to see that. She hurts people, she ruins friendships, she is a liar, but  She is my sister.
 But honestly, this is my problem…. I can’t love her like I should. I have tried so many times.  What’s wrong with me?


December 05 2008

I finally made my decision.


so. there's something i needda say

November 23 2008

i'm pretty sure most of  you all know, and i really feel like it's time to announce it  to you all publicly.the way i say it may be kinda strange...
so his name is Dominic Joseph Ruffino.he is a musician, very talented. Junior class president, so smart.Sweet, funny, warm.
I lub him.
He makes me laugh. he makes me smile. We are crazy together, just being by his side :) is wonderful.
 and well. its been 3 months with him. since friday. and i gotta say i've never been so content.


November 18 2008
 I seriously need a vacation, no joke. I can’t take one to like Florida, although, it is probably what I need.
But I need something, before I break down again. I’m in school so no long trips to Gatlinburg, but maybe to Cumberland camp, or a friend w. no siblings house.I don’t think I’ll be okay it if something doesn’t happen. If I can get coach P.’s permission I’m about to get some running shorts, and go run in the gym during school. I really need it.  
Have you ever felt like this? I think it’s overload of some sort. I’m not to overworked, i mean school is stressful, yearbook has taken a lot out of me, school play friday & saturday, and  theres 2 christmas songs i have a month to choreograph and perfect.  but its not that bad really...but then if I wasn’t why am I in such need, of a vacation, or a revolution?
Anybody have any suggestions? Bubble baths don’t do too much for me, music has done a lot for me with learning 3 instruments its been relaxing and I am planning on having an ice cream date tomorrow after school, that is , if my parents say yes to it. But I need a change in atmosphere, setting or a revolution of some sort.


November 11 2008

This song really means a lot to me. & i just thought i'd post it because its been on my mind lately.
While i'm waiting..

having a moment..

November 09 2008

ive decided my baby names if i ever do have babies...
 so what about ...

Gideon-its meaning is "fellow of trees;powerful warrior.
no middle name but i like gideon christopher.

Adalie- meaning " God is my refuge:noble one."
the second name of my mothers first Diane


Yea. i definently never thought that it would come to this.

November 07 2008

(though i love trident tropical twist and will always)...
i am getting a strong liking for spearmint. :)(:

where i find little compassion

November 04 2008

i find it funny that

 the most open minded people, are the most closed minded,

the ones that are against judging so much, judge & stereotype everybody,
the man who claims to be unbiased, is reflecting on the person a little more than the information.
& i find it all too sad, because they cant even see it.



" God have mercy on them."

heres where i am.

November 01 2008

ALRIGHT. so all this talk about america.... people don't know what they are talking about, there are those who agree strongly with obama, and those who disagree strongly.
all id like to say on this matter is that should we let a man who cant find his birth certificate and who has years missing out of his biography become our president? should we allow a man who might be muslim president over us? and if he is , and follows the teachings will kill us all.  
 and if he becomes president i figure ive got 7 years to live, and i will live like that. & if im wrong find what have i lost? we should live like that anyways. anyways, im creating a bucketlist, so far theres 28 things, and i did one of them thursday....

 (i gave blood. i saved 3 lives, and was .87 percent of all the blood that was given. i was right on the dot for weight you had to be.I cried during the whole thing, and held my best friend stevens hand til they made him leave. but IT wasnt that bad, i'd say the worst part has been the following days, i ve dropped 4 lbs, & been so dizzy & tired but yea, I did it.)
 anyways,  I pray God has mercy on America, and the rebellion we so earnestly display. I pray that we as christians, take up our cross daily, that we lose our lives to gain it, that maybe we dont lose our selves, whats the point of gaining the world and loosing ourselves? (luke 9:23-26) .

im jealous.

October 24 2008
laugh at me if you like, but i totally fell head over heels in like with matt manes from cloud chase, and idk. just a little girl crush on a drummer in a band.alot of you know how i just could barely even talk when looking at him, and how i thought he just did it for me. i didnt think of pursuing that, or anything, but i found his myspace... and well. i saw his gf.  i cant help but feel so JEALOUS! & cant help but compare myself to his gorgeous amazing girlfriend. why do we do that? why do i do that?
im feeling pretty down right now. :(


October 18 2008
alright. i have a new favorite.... peanut butter & chicken sandwich! oh my.... it was soo good!

all i mean to say

October 16 2008

little did we know,little to you can i show.
much of you i miss,too.but not sure of what we had was true.
dont you  get it? do you really understand,
 all id ever wanted is your hand.not sure how it became so more,to the point where we both just stood halfway out the door.
holdin on tighter but not holding stronger -it was bound to end so terribly,truth be told it might be awhile before i even see it to be incredibly.
slippin' right through each other fingers there was not much much we didnt ruin. not sure i can go back to that finishing us up totally- getting the final "do in".
at least not yet,im scared of it being what we had and having it like that again i bet.
i dont want that, i dont want something i dont need , i dont just want you to have your way with me, and me pretending its under love , and just letting it be.
if it were ever to be us -as me & you,im not sure it could  be now & i wish it could be true.
if im worth it i might just make you wait,
& if not i'd still make you experience "have" but do not take.

baby... all i meant to say is maybe.

hot 'n cold

October 14 2008
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my best friend besides erin & Brett- steven (sorry i havent spoke of him before) says this song reminds him of me. he thinks its crazy weird i have 2 different names- 3 different personalities- and 6,000 moods!  so this is for my amazin' asain steven.

so sorry it has a word at the beginning :(


September 26 2008

everything that i really want i now have.
anything i could want... its just within my reach.
   helping, serving, trying, loving... its really been the better thing for me.
 finally living! been dying to live like that.
  i can say yes and i can say no, an' i dont have to explain a thing.
with taking initiative , sometimes, no one has your back. i keep walking ANYWAYS.
i dont need your approval.
 i've learned I've gotta be 100% even when there's only 25.
remained confident, at time when im not sure, now they want what i have.
i understand the girls, and they talk to me, the key is divine friendship, and Respect.
 i tell them what is, got them a prayer going up, i cant save them, just plant the seed.
 no need for pity, dont we all want something to blame!
              the pain of him has gone away. faded night turned to day.
 the only place it hurts is right at the scar he left me.
im okay,  i have forgotten so much. been forgiven & ive forgiven.
 had God's healing rain.
 now its different . i am happy though slightly contemplative, and highly audacious.
 and the thing is... it never was me! i never did it. i let God step in,
and he gave me a victory in a battle, an' i know there's still a war.
 this is what i came here for.


September 21 2008

im so tired of this, there s lots of desicions, so many choices, so much confusion. i dont know what i want .. anymore.
no more of this. ive had enough.

with his heart, his voice, and his guitar!

September 18 2008

 The other day it was sang for me! i wont say much about the who, and where and why I'll just let you all ponder on it. ;)

i fell in love with the song "All I want is You" by Barry Louis Polisar & I honestly don't like the way he sings this song,

so i don't highly reccommend you listen to the song.

but i love the lyrics, enjoy them,

fall in love with the simplicity of it!


If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves.

If I was a flower growing wild and free
All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee.
And if I was a tree growing tall and greeen
All I'd want is you to shade me and be my leaves

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a river in the mountains tall,
The rumble of your water would be my call.
If you were the winter, I know I'd be the snow
Just as long as you were with me, when the cold winds blow.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were a wink, I'd be a nod
If you were a seed, well I'd be a pod.
If you were the floor, I'd wanna be the rug
And if you were a kiss, I know I'd be a hug

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

If you were the wood, I'd be the fire.
If you were the love, I'd be the desire.
If you were a castle, I'd be your moat,
And if you were an ocean, I'd learn to float.

All I want is you, will you be my bride
Take me by the hand and stand by my side
All I want is you, will you stay with me?
Hold me in your arms and sway me like the sea.

quite possibly Sarah Palin

August 29 2008

so i haven't dome to much research on her but McCain's choice for running mate: Sarah Palin was an awesome desicion in my opinion! Besides the fact she is a little inexperienced, she seems like she knows how to get things done. and well with McCain not being that great of a conservative, she is! She is strong, and very conservative. She is strongly against abortion and i think This will get the conservative votes we need! I think i could do a little research on this, but she seems to be family oriented( well, with 5 kids you have to be), and i like her. the only thing im seeing is that her husband owns a huge oil company, and that never works well with politics!

what do you guys think of her?