Here We Go Again!

April 01 2006

It's amazing how one fifteen minute phone call can erase all the "progress" that was made in the last two months. I thought this song (as it so ironically came up on random IPOD shuffle on the way home) was fitting to the occasion.

I guess I lost my sense of direction again
'Cause all I see are footprints
that look strangely like my own
I'm digging deeper the more I run
And the longer I'm out here
The more I'm alone
And now I stand in the place where I began
And all I see behind me is a circle in the sand
I'm dying slowly, take my hand
And lead me out of this circle                                                                  Solomon's Wish- "Circle in the Sand" 

My thoughts in song

February 15 2006

I'm not exactly sure why, but there seem to be so many songs that I am hearing lately that fit perfectly with my current life situation - the lyrics often express so poetically the things that I can't seem to find words to express.

It seems that each time I turn on the radio or go to the next randomly shuffled song on my ipod, the song seems to be an arrow directed straight at my heart. But, driving home tonight, I heard a new Rascal Flatts song that hit much deeper than any I've heard lately - just thought I'd share the lyrics.

"What hurts the most

Is being so close

And having so much to say

And watching you walk away

And never knowing

What could have been

And not seeing that loving you

Is what I was trying to do" 

WOW! That seems to say it so perfectly!

Random Quotes

February 13 2006

"Do not follow where the path may lead.

Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

        ~Harold R. McAlindon

"Govern thy life and thoughts as if the whole world were to see the one, and read the other."    ~Thomas Fuller

"To live is like to love--all reason is against it, and all healthy instinct for it."     ~Samuel Butler

"Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances."     ~Benjamin Franklin

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on."        ~ Robert Frost

Loving Well

September 25 2005
Wow- the Beth Moore conference was incredible! Every time I hear her speak or read one of her books, I am convinced that God has told her everything that is going on in my life. There were many things that she said that God used to speak directly to issues in my life. Probably the biggest revelation of the weekend was her quoting another author.
Since I did not write it down verbatim, and I am too lazy to go look at my notes and see who the author is - here is my paraphrase of the quote:
~Sometimes God allows us to see divine sparks in human love in order to give us a glimpse of His raging fire of love for us.

Well, I thought that was pretty neat, but it didn't really strike me until the next day when she repeated the quote, then continud with:
"sometimes we mistake the spark of human love for the fire of God's love." BAM!
That statement drove right to the heart of a lifelong struggle of unhealthy relationships. For months, I have been asking God to show me where I went wrong the last time and how I got so sidetracked - there was my answer! I spent most of the afternoon with this thought in mind and began praying for God to bring clarity. Last night as I lay in bed, praying about it once again, I heard the gentle whisper of God tell me -"it was never about him."
I was surprised at how quickly I felt both relief and regret - relief that I finally had the missing piece to the puzzle that I have been trying to complete for well over a year (hallelujah!) and regret that I had been so mistaken. All the things that I love about him were just the divine sparks that God allowed in an attempt to give me a glimpse of His love for me, but, instead of recognizing that and giving praise and glory to my Father, I poured all the love and gratitude into an earthly man. It was never supposed to be about him, it was supposed to be about Jesus. Father, forgive me.

I don't know why I felt the need to ramble on like that and I'm not sure any of it made sense to anyone else. There are many other things that I heard God say to me this weekend, but I really felt the need to share this one.

I love you!

Let the Journey Begin

September 17 2005
Lay Me Down - Ryan Horne

the pieces of my puzzle
all scattered and so torn
from the time spent laying beaten
to the edges which are worn
placed into there very moment
God's timing they are laid
with every breath of air
a piece is laid to sleep
with every footstep taken
my soul is His to keep
and so I bow my head to pray
put to rest my every day and sing

lay me down my Father
lay me down here to sleep
lay me down forever
cause forever I'm Yours, Yours to keep

I watch my puzzle forming
with rest behind my eyes
and I see the God of wonders
working in my life
and as my future comes and goes
God the only one who knows
what comes
so I lie here in His comfort
and watch the pieces being placed
by the care of my maker
His Amazing Grace
and by His tender touch He holds
the pieces which He knows
will come next

so I am alive
I am well
I am here
for you

I have had this song running through my head for a few days, so i thought i would share it with the Phusebox world. These lyrics are such a comforting thought in my current life situation. God has taught me so much over the past few weeks about trusting His timing and His plan. And now as I undergo many many medical tests to attempt to identify the cause of my consistent illness, I have such a peace about the whole situation. There are a number of things that the doctors may find, but I know my Sovereign Creator has knit me together exactly as He planned, and He will walk with me every step of the way on this journey. However, prayers would be appreciated. =)
I love you all!

harder than it sounds

August 14 2005
"All that we love deeply becomes a part of us."
- Helen Keller

I remind myself of this quote every time I have to force myself to walk away from the one I committed to love. I was surprised by my reaction this morning - I thought I was long past a pounding heart and a fluttering stomach. I remember well the day I chose to love him - I knew it was a risk, I knew I might get hurt - I weighed all the options, examined all the alternatives and chose to love him anyway. Not the immature and situational kind of love that we see so often glorified in our society - real, genuine, unconditional love that extends beyond circumstances. So, it is no wonder that walking away from him has created so much havoc in my life. I have full confidence in God's sovereignty, and I know that His plan will prevail. It breaks my heart that he has strayed so far from the God that loves him and I know that I cannot allow him to take me down that road with him - so please pray for him (most of you can do that by name). I am doing fine, having to adjust, but God is so faithful to walk beside me every step of the way - my biggest concern is for his spiritual walk - i want him to make it back to the top of the spiritual "mountain" where we met.

Insight gained from a cartoon drawing

August 05 2005
I spent two days this week at a teacher-related conference. Most of the information was irrelevant to my profession, but the presenter was very comical. In the midst of a lot of "blah-blah-blah," she put up a cartoon with this quote.
"It's not so much that we're afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it's that place in-between that we fear. It's like being between trapezes, it's Linus when his blankets in the dryer - there's nothing to hold onto." - Marilyn Ferguson
It is amazing how much insight one can gain from a drawing of a Peanuts character with a random quote written on it.

Thoughts from 5AM

July 23 2005
"Neither the applause nor the scorn of others should be of any consequence to you. My approval is reward enough, and without this, any other satisfaction is not worthy of your pursuit."
-Frances Roberts

I was looking over some quotes that I had written in my journal, and this one jumped out at me. I have had several conversations over the last few days with various people (mostly women) about our seemingly inherent desire to make everyone around us happy. If you've never found yourself attempting to be a "people pleaser," let me assure you that this behavior can exhaust you and leave you empty. And that's what I love about a relationship with God, it gives us the incredible freedom that comes with not having to worry about what others think. If I am genuinely concerned with pleasing my Father, I am relieved from the pressure of pleasing everyone else. Don't misunderstand me, I am not saying that I have liberty to hurt others' feelings - living a life that pleases Christ is mutually exclusive from a life that hurts the ones He loves. "Of all the indentifying marks of a Christian, Jesus said love would be the thing that gives us away (John 13:35)...Agape is to be our signature - the unconditional, never-ending love of God flowing through and out of our lives." (Joanna Weaver)
Trying to love everyone around you can be overwhelming and some people are harder to love than others, but if we focus on loving God with all our heart, His love will naturally flow from our lives to those around us.

In case I haven't told you lately (or ever) - I love you - all of you!

"We've been filled with great treasure for one purpose: to be spilled." - Joanna Weaver

nice reminders in old country songs

July 21 2005
Well, this song doesn't really qualify as an "old" country song, but it does date back several years to my fomer die-hard country days. I haven't heard this song in years, but I thought the message it contains was rather relevant to my current life situation. So, when I heard it faintly playing in the background at the restaurant, I knew that I had to look up the lyrics (and I thought I would share them with you all).

"Shut Up And Drive" by Chely Wright

Shut up and drive
You don't know what you're talkin' about
He's not the one - You oughta know that by now. You've got one of those hearts that keeps changing your mind Your heart has a way of making you stay
So shut up and drive

Don't look in the mirror
He might have that look in his eyes
The one that's so strong
It strangles your will to survive
He's mastered the art of lookin' sincere
His eyes have a way of making you stay
Don't look in the mirror

I'm the voice you never listen to
And I had to break your heart to make you see
That he's the one who will be missin' you
And you'll only miss the man that you wanted him to be

Turn the radio on
To drown out the sound of goodbye
Blink back the tears
Show me you still got your pride
Just get yourself lost
In a sad country song
Those guys that they play know just what to say
Turn the radio on

Shut up and drive
Don't look in the mirror
Turn the radio on
Get out of here
Shut up and drive

Moment of Truth

July 19 2005
Just when you think you have convinced yourself that you are over something, or in this case, someone, they show up unexpectedly after several weeks without any type of contact and before you know it, you are hurled right back into that sickening cycle of love, anger, and hurt. Will this madness ever end? Will I ever remember how sanity feels? Will I ever be able to see him and truly feel nothing? Will I ever be able to let myself love that strongly again? (Don't worry, I know the answers are yes, it will just take some time).

I love it when God speaks!

July 17 2005
Wow, what an incredible weekend! - thanks to all you wonderful people who helped make my trip to Six Flags (and even Wal-Mart) unforgettable - you guys are awesome!

I was reminded today of how much I love the word of God - when He speaks to me through His word, I never cease to be overwhelmed. Just thinking about the fact that the Creator of the universe desires an intimate relationship with me takes my breath away and leaves me speechless in His presence!

This evening, Brother Dean's message out of Jeremiah led to a verse in chapter 29. While I was there, I saw the much-quoted 11th verse that was underlined in my bible. That is such an awesome promise from our Father who loves us, but also underlined - and often overlooked- was the 13th verse - "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." Wow, what a reminder - my passion and desire to know God have been increasing so much over the past few months, but God reminded me once again that I will not truly find Him until I search for Him with ALL of my heart. Now, for those of you who know me well, I have come a loooong way in this department - but I still have a heart with a tendency for distraction - my daily prayer is that my heart will be undivided in its devotion for my Master.

I am also reminded of a sermon that Louie gave a few years ago at OneDay. I cannot remember his exact statement, but after talking about the glorious nature of God and His unfathomable love for us - Louie asked a simple question - when I consider all that He has done for me, what else can I do but worship Him?
Brother Dean also quoted something this morning that has stuck with me - "The sole purpose of a man's life is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever." I pray that I will fulfill this purpose with every day, every single breath.

A great prayer

June 23 2005
After months of sitting almost forgotten on my shelf, I decided to start reading "Living Your Life as a Beautiful Offering" by Angela Thomas. The last few lines of the introductory prayer were especially meaningful. I think most of you ladies will relate (you guys might benefit too, but no guarantees).

"Where there is brokenness, bring healing. Where there is mourning, bring comfort. Where there has been 'gotta be,' replace it with 'when you are.' We bring You our everyday lives and all our imperfections. We lay everything we meant to be and everything we want to be at Your feet. Oh Father, make our offering beautiful."

Wish I Could Have Been There

June 16 2005
So, from what I gather from the numerous phusebox posts - BigStuf was great - wish i could have been there with all of you! I am ecstatic to hear how God spoke to each one of you - let those words be more than just a "camp experience" - let the things that God taught you and showed you truly become part of your life - and the blessings He gives will continue to multiply.

On a different topic, I got a little carried away with uploading pictures. As I was looking through my pictures, trying to decide which ones to post, there were so many that evoked such wonderful memories that I just decided to post them all. Hopefully, some of them will hold fond memories for some of you as well.

I love you!

Strong Enough

June 09 2005
This song has been in my head since the dance recital last weekend - which, by the way, was awesome!
Anyway, this song seemed especially relevant to the events of the week, so I thought I would post the lyrics. God has once again reminded me that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. He is so faithful.

Lyrics : Strong Enough
- Stacie Orrico

As I rest against this cold, hard wall
Will you pass me by?
Will you criticize me as I sit and cry?
I had fought so hard and thought that all my battles had been won
Only to find the war has just begun

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

Will my weakness for an hour
Make me suffer for a life time
Is there anyway to be made whole again?
If I'm healed, renewed and find forgiveness
Find the strength I've never had
Will my scars forever ruin all God's plan?

Is He not strong enough?
Is He not pure enough?
To break me, pour me out, and start again
Is He not brave enough?
To take one chance on me
Please can I have one chance to start again?

He took my life into his hands and turned it all around
In my most desperate circumstance
It's there I finally found

That You are strong enough
That You are pure enough
To break me, pour me out and start again
That You are brave enough
To take one chance on me
Oh Thank You for my chance to start again

"I miss my friend."

June 07 2005
It seemed like such a simple statement - I was merely expressing my thoughts concerning some of my recent posts and, in the middle of my ramblings, those words came out. But, somehow, the simple utterance of these words - "I miss my friend" - unlocked the flood of tears that I have managed to keep at bay for weeks, maybe even months. I had no idea that four little words could completely expose the core of the issue and prick my heart so intensely.

Random Requests

June 06 2005
I finally caved - after 26 years of curls, I paid the big bucks for the only straigtener that works on my hair. The only thing that will justify spending this much money is actually using the darn thing - so if you see me on a day when it has not and is not supposed to rain (trust me, humidity and natural curls are not a good combination and any attempts at straightening on said days are futile) - please remind me that I need to straighten my hair.

Oh, one more favor, as much as I have played the role of the stubborn child determined to have things my way - I think I have finally realized that it is time to walk away from a relationship that I have held so dearly (loooong story). Until God is rightfully restored as number one in his life, he cannot be "number two" in mine (please read that last sentence carefully, it would be very easy to misunderstand what i am trying to say). So, if you could pray for his heart to be right with God and for mine to be okay with the current state of things, I would be greatly appreciative.

Answered Prayers

June 05 2005
I love it when God answers prayers! - and He often does it in such creative ways. For instance, as most of you are aware, I have been praying about a particular situation for quite some time. The following lines from the last few pages of "Captivating" seemed to be directed right at me:
"You have an irreplaceable role in your relationships. No one can be to the people in your life who you can be to them. No one can offer what you can offer. There are many things God calls us to do, but loving well always comes first. And don't your relationships feel opposed? Of course. They must be fought for. . . You have been sent by the Trinity on behalf of love, of relationships. Fight for them."