Life is beautiful. I wonder what's truth: abstract or physical.
I want to be moved again. I want that conviction that drove me and got me through high school. It's like I'm going through the motions of college just to get by. I'm missing out on so much. I'm sitting here in a beautiful apartment, with a beautiful 3rd floor balcony and a beautiful view of nature. Chattanooga is beautiful. The river greenway brings so much peace. I was driving home today, and the clouds. They were so beautiful. Just another sunny day in Californ-i-a?
I need you, whoever you are. You--you'll reach deep down in my heart and see the real me. And you'll stick there no matter what I do, even when I try to keep myself from you. Won't you be the one to heal my heart? I've been missing you.
You can come into college with your ideals, but what happens when they are put to the test? The very foundations of personality are shaken. I envy that atmosphere with Christianity labeled all around. A good friend told me how their orientation was so uplifitng and spiritual--well i'm stuck with the secular and vulgar. But then again, I was eager to leave the clausterphobic of that same atmosphere. BUT SCRATCH ALL WHAT I JUST SAID.
The truth is we are placed in environments exactly where we need to be. Oh you can say that such and such was too much of a bad environment, but doesn't the very Word itself tell us that nothing is too strong for us?
6 days until college... it's so hard to believe this summer's gone by so quick. And the funny thing is I'm not even elated, excited, or whatever word you choose to use about starting a new. What's with this? It's like life's turned into one big emotion without excitements (except for Joanne). Maybe it's better this way. Hmmm. One thing I know I have to do this year, I have to keep in touch with Faith. Give faith that fighting chance. I can't tell where I'll be in 6 months or 2 semesters from now, but I hope and hope and hope that I will still be seeking for the Creator. Life is so meaningless without that.
I have come to the conclusion that what holds me back is my desire to uphold what others think of me. What people need to know is the real you, with all the mistakes and failures and problems. That includes not trying to hold to somebody that you once were. Maybe you can impress lots of people with fancy speeches, maybe you can be an example to the people around you, maybe even earn the respect of the elders around you. That still doesn't change the person who you really are inside. If you seek help, be honest with yourself first. Don't be afraid to tell the world.
I've been going through a rollercoaster of emotions. I can't stand having to become a person that people make of me. But in a way, it keeps me in check. Here's the truth: I get in fights, I get in arguments with my parents, I get jealous at others and friends around me, and I think thoughts that I shouldn't be thinking. That's the truth. But I am trying to find that spirituality again. Putting up images of myself that aren't true has got to stop.