Becca Hicks's PhuseBox

[it's been a while...]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 02 Mar 2008 23:12:22 -0600

well.

my granddad is home now. and doing a lot better.

we're still praying for a full recovery.

since last post, i've been a little better i guess..just learning to live with stress and pain. i never knew i would miss my aunt this much after 9 months. i mean, i honestly wasn't even that close with her...and maybe that's my problem? i don't know. things have been really tough for me since then.

i went to a linkin park/coheed and cambria/chiodos concert last week. it was a lot of fun...and the concert was amazing. getting out of the house was the best part though, not to mention it was all paid for my a friend. :]

but yeah...i think i'll go for now.

maybe i'll update more often....haha.

seriously though, keep me in your prayers still...

i'm definitely not out of my storm yet. :/

love you guys.

[becca]

so you know what's great?

Becca Hicks — Fri, 14 Dec 2007 00:01:02 -0600

what's great is when you get called fat by your teacher in front of the whole class.

mmmhmm.

then you find out you're failing all of your classes.

and then an ex of yours starts more drama...after a year of hardly even talking.

oh i love it.

today has sucked beyond belief.

i'm so ready for the break.

[wow...]

Becca Hicks — Mon, 03 Dec 2007 21:52:11 -0600

it's been a while...but here's an update on everything.

i figured i should probably update you guys on what's been going on.

so, brian is out of my life for a very, very long time. i found out that he was lying to me yet again, so i broke off all ties of communication and i feel so much better than i did before.

but i've also been pretty stressed as usual.
the bowling season for districts is coming to an end...we only have one match left to play and at the moment, we're 7-0. again...undefeated. but it always puts a little stress on me at the end of season trying to keep up my average and whatnot.

then adding in the fact that i'm in my junior year of high school...
it's been really hard...hard classes, hard teachers, hard tests...everything.

freaking sucks...but i've been doing okay in my classes...passing at least

we found out a couple of days ago that my granddad (mom's dad) has now been diagnosed with cancer....only six months after losing my aunt to a very similar type of cancer. it hit home pretty hard...we're having to postpone christmas until he gets out of the hospital in january. seems like yesterday that we found out about my aunt's cancer...it's like a reoccuring dream..i'm getting all of those emotions and feelings of depression again...but we have faith that he'll get through this. if god is on our side, who can be against us?

just, right now, it's been a really tough season...
but i know that it will make me a stronger person and will get me a little closer to god...which is what i strive for.

anyways....for now...that's it...
hope you guys are doing well.
-becca

[just some writing...]

Becca Hicks — Mon, 10 Sep 2007 20:17:46 -0500

turning from the radiance and walking toward the shadows
is something i had done for so long…
i thought i had lived my life long enough to be capable
of telling the differentiation amid the two
but i couldn't have been more mistaken in life.
i had no initiative to where i was going or what i was doing
and i still don't to this day.
i permit myself to saunter so far into the obscurity that now,
i don't even know the way out.
i reach for assistance and can't locate it anywhere
it's almost as if i'm out here unaccompanied…waiting for something
either something good or something appalling. i have no idea.
i let my thoughts get the best of me
and now i let them go far enough to baffle me
and i don't know what to do, or even what to believe.
i have been performing like i'm utterly in the light
and people are persuaded that i am in the illumination…
but i couldn't be farther from it.
i'm so far past that position,

that i don't even know where i'm located at the moment.
if there was something to point me in the right course,
i wouldn't even have adequate intellect to know where it pointed.
i'm so misplaced and misdirected and no one can tell
so no one attempts to stretch out a hand and aid.
only the times i collapse is when people can tell
that i'm really not all right..

and i used to be a reasonably strong individual
which is why i don't collapse habitually.
although it seems to be occurring more and more now.
perhaps one of these days i will be able to come across the way out
and maybe one of these days i will obtain my life back
i will have my contentment, my smile, my happiness back
when i can take pleasure in living life.
because right now i don't have anything to look forward to
nothing to look back on and remember
nothing to smile about, too much to weep about
and i don't know how to handle it all.
so many emotions that are and aren't flowing at the same time
leaves me bewildered at all times.
it's so perplexing that i don't even experience emotion
so confused that i don't even have anything to think about
because everything is so mixed up in my mind.
my mind that has been beleaguered for years.
i've been trodden, left to expire, and not cared about
i don't know why anyone would care now.
it just doesn't make sense.
people state they comprehend it all when they, in reality, don't.
they have NO idea what it's like to suffer this way
they don't know what it's like when you have no one to turn to
and you don't have a shoulder to shed tears on
and you don't have people you can just converse with about anything
mostly, when it feels like you don't fit in anywhere
you feel like an orphan, a stray.
not many people have felt this before
and i don't know why i had to be one of them…
will i ever discover my way out of this total obscurity?
will i ever be able to exist again?
will i ever be able to feel like i belong?
these are all questions that i reflect on all the time
but i don't know when any of them will be answered.
if you don't truly want to assist, don't talk to me.
i must uncover my true friends, if i have any
and work on trying to get out of this place of anguish
before it gets too out of hand and i'm here for eternity.
for those of you who played games with my mind,
thank you for letting me get to this point.
thank you for not doing anything.
thanks so much for pushing me to the edge.
now i'm here…waiting…for something, someone…

yep uhh.

Becca Hicks — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 23:36:01 -0500

things didn't work out with the guy..

go figure! =] story of my life. lol.

well AP english is gonna kick my butt this year

like, for serious. =/

but as of right now, that's the hardest class i have.

thank god.

yeah.

things aren't goin so great right now

but i'm sure they'll get better soon.

they have to.

well.

i'm gonna go now.

[becca]

[haha.]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 26 Aug 2007 14:17:48 -0500

so i like totally forgot about updating this thing...

well my human video didn't place and my worship team took 6th in the nation =] it was pretty amazing.

school is back in session now...kinda sucks, but i was ready for something new. i've got a couple hard classes this year, but for the most part, i don't think i'm gonna die or anything...haha.

buuuuttttt yeah.

life is amazing....

me and this one boy are talking again.

so that's definitely been the highlight of my month.. =]

hah. hopefully things will work out this time.

i'm gonna go now.

love you all...

[becca]

[gone.]

Becca Hicks — Tue, 07 Aug 2007 08:05:53 -0500

i'll be in indianapolis until saturday for national competition with my church...

so if you need me, just text or call

615.439.5602

love you guys!!

[becca]

so...

Becca Hicks — Fri, 27 Jul 2007 11:25:43 -0500

i pretty much got my hair chopped off.

but i like it.

which really surprised me. haha.

so, nationals is in like 10 days..and i'm reaaaallly excited. =]

our HV is AMAZING. haha..i love it.

umm. and our worship team is pretty awesome.

and of course, when the miller girls go, they're bound to do something..haha.

but i love my "sisters"..they're pretty cool.

um.

that's about it!

haha.

[b]

[home.]

Becca Hicks — Fri, 13 Jul 2007 13:25:50 -0500

i am so glad to be back from kids camp. =]

although i know i'm gonna miss it..

it was a lot of fun, and i got to know the kids better.

but the best part was the kids grew closer to god.

and i loved it.

but i'm definitely exhausted..

hah. time for a nap.

[happy 18th]

Becca Hicks — Sat, 07 Jul 2007 18:38:02 -0500

happy birthday hunter! haha.

gah, this is when it sucks to not have your phone. lol.

but yeah.

things are going alright i guess.

it's still hard not having my aunt around.

i know it's gotta be hard for my uncle and cousins going back home without her.

hmm. yeah. i'm going to camp again from this monday till friday.

this time i'm going with the kids from my church. it's gonna be a lot of fun.

you know, lately i've realized how much i miss some of my friends.

hunter, for instance, things just kinda got weird after the breakup..but i really miss our phone calls..haha, those were the BEST. who knows...he's probably not even reading this. oh well

but yeah. i miss a lot of my friends.

i wish i could go back in time and change some things...

but i guess that's just life.

enough of me rambling...

but anyways...

happy 18th birthday hunter!

[my aunt]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 01 Jul 2007 08:18:23 -0500

mom called this morning.
my aunt died about 2:15 this morning.
yeah, i'm upset...but i'm glad that she's no longer in pain.

[grounded]

Becca Hicks — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 23:20:34 -0500

from my phone & hanging out with anyone.

yeah.

till august 1st.

not going into details.

i'm really mad about it all.

not mad at my dad for taking it away,

but for the person that caused me to use 1100 of our 1500 family share minutes.

yeah.

that much.

ugh.

whatever.

[ugh. not again..]

Becca Hicks — Fri, 22 Jun 2007 15:25:38 -0500

my mom just got a call from my grandmother.
she's up there with my aunt in st. louis.
they went to go in for surgery to fix something in her pancreas so she could eat again..
and the tumor had grown so much, there's nothing they could do.

so, she's off of chemo...and they said that they don't know when she's going to die, but it's evident that it will happen.

just be praying for me and my family while we're going through this.

[just thinking...]

Becca Hicks — Thu, 21 Jun 2007 00:16:28 -0500

Artist/Band: Cagle Chris
Lyrics for Song: Miss Me Baby
Lyrics for Album: Anywhere But Here
Miss me baby
When you hear our favorite song,
Miss me baby
And when you start to sing along
Think about all the times that we danced
In moonlight to it all night long, oh
Then miss me baby.

And want me honey,
Like you did the night you told me that you loved me
We couldn't wait anymore.
Left the keys in the door, took my hand
Pulled me down on the kitchen floor.
Yeah, we were that crazy
Then miss me baby.

Chorus:
Because when he's holding you,
Know that it's killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And everytime you feel his touch,
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl, you can't shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.

Miss me baby,
Until you can't take it no more
Miss me baby
Pack your bags and hit the door
I'm a man, I was wrong, forgive me
Come back home
I'll be waiting
Right here waiting
Miss me baby.

Chorus:
Because when he's holding you,
Know that it's killing me,
Let my memory be the reason girl
That you can't sleep
And everytime you feel his touch,
I pray to God it's not enough
And that I've touched your heart so deep
Girl, you can't shake me
Cause I love you,
Yes I need you,
Miss me baby.

Everytime you hear this song,
Miss me baby...

[okay guys...]

Becca Hicks — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 15:40:14 -0500

so, when i posted my last post i was going through a lot all at once.

i'm really okay now.

i just got back from camp and god dealt with me in ways he never had before.

i'm now free from depression for good.

i'm not gonna pick it all up like i had before.

this week has been amazing.

haha.

and when you're feeling like crap,

the best thing to do..is play truth or dare with a bunch of girls

till four in the morning :)

well....

yeah. thanks for letting me know you cared.

i love you all.

[becca]

[...]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 10 Jun 2007 23:35:50 -0500

i really need someone to talk to.
and someone who'll lend me their shoulder to cry on.
someone to at least listen.

guess what?
no one's there.

go figure.
story of my life.

[i did it.]

Becca Hicks — Thu, 07 Jun 2007 22:28:51 -0500

wow.

so i talked to hunter for the first time in weeks.

i guess it was a good thing.

all the feelings i thought i'd have, i didn't.

it really surprised me...

because i wasn't quite sure if i had completely forgiven him or not.

but i now know that i pretty much have.

yeah, it's still really weird talking to him as friends.

i can guarantee that's not gonna change...for a while at least.

but i'm glad i have one of my really good friends back..

and all i can do is hope he feels the same way.

yeah, i did like him a lot, and yeah, he did hurt me a lot.

but somehow i was willing to forgive him and move on.

and it feels good.

and even though there will always be feelings for him somewhere,

and if it means i have to let them go to get my friend back,

i'm willing to do that.

hmm.

yeah.

i'm done. haha.

love you all.

[becca]

[wasting away.]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 03 Jun 2007 00:09:57 -0500

today was better…
i saw potency through pain.
i didn’t even imagine that was possible.
i saw a smile throughout all the horrible conditions.
i saw her pushing through when it seemed there was nothing left.
and i wondered why i couldn’t contain that myself.
why i had to worry and question anything and everything…
and why i couldn’t just take it and progress with life like she seems to have achieved.
why i had to be the pathetic and weak individual that can’t make it through a SOLITARY storm.
i seem to have to rely on so many people,
even when i recognize that they have tribulations of their own.
why can’t i be like them and hold on forever?
i don’t know. but i wish i could be tough enough for other people additionally.

will i ever be that strong?
strong enough to bear my burden plus other’s?
is my determination adequate, or will i fall short like everything else i attempt to accomplish?

recently it seems i’ve been relying on more people than i have ever before.
i’ve been fragile within my core…not able to keep my situate for extended periods of time.
and when i would love to be there for others, all i can say is “i’m sorry”
..which, in truth, isn’t very apologetic at all in the first place..
knowing that will never be enough…cause it’s never sufficient for me.

i don’t know what happened to me.
whether it is the state of affairs i’m in
or whether i’m just wasting away as an individual.
i can’t really tell the differentiation any longer, anyways,
why even attempt to distinguish which one of the two it is?

the only way to liberate my emotions
is to release them on paper.
i’m sure they don’t even seem sensible any longer
i frankly don’t care anymore…
when you have nowhere else to turn,
a pen and paper will always “take note”.
regardless of what kind of an individual you are,
where you’ve been in life,
or what you’ve had to go through.
neither of the two worry about your appearance or outward show…
how many friends you have,
what type of car you drive,
or what vicinity you reside in.
they’ll forever be present, listening conscientiously.

well, i hope i’ll go somewhere at some stage in life.
and i hope that somewhere isn’t “insane”.
i’ll just continue walking..hoping to stumble upon something in this life
to keep me going.
because i’m running out of options rapidly.

[end.]

Becca Hicks — Sat, 02 Jun 2007 18:19:18 -0500

constantly, i feel like i can't hold on any longer.
when i'm at the conclusion of my rope…
and i still have miles to go before i'm at the bottom of my valley on the ground.
when the end keeps getting closer and closer
and all i can do is watch and wait for it to be over.
i feel like i'm trapped and no matter what endeavor i formulate
or how hard i press on and strive, i will never achieve anything.
…ever…
so i keep hanging on for precious life
waiting for something or someone to come rescue me
or waiting for the end.

i don't know how to handle this kind of stress
all the anxiety that's been weighing on my mind for so long
wondering if i have something to anticipate in the morning or not.
…or if i'll even manage 'til morning…
sometimes i don't even desire to. sometimes i wish it'd all just cease
and i could have my true happiness back.
my old life. the way i used to feel.
not having to question, worry, or lose sleep over everything.

i know that some of you assume i'm too extreme or crazy.
that's all right. you haven't been where i've been.
you haven't walked where i have walked.
you don't know what i've seen or what i've experienced.
you have no idea how i feel and how i think.
so many things tally up to make me what i am at this moment in time…
and even though i'm not faultless, i am who i desire to be
well, when you deduct the melancholy.

i'm eager for a change.
i don't want her to feel pain any longer.
i don't want her to have to experience this any longer.
i wish i could take it for her..i truly, honestly do.
and all i can do, is pray.
that's it. and to me, it just doesn't appear like it's sufficient.
but, i'm just a teenaged girl…no wealth, no verve, no supremacy.
just me. and it's not adequate. it never will be.
i love her.
and i'll keep on waiting for my happy conclusion
whether it comes or not.

[letting it go]

Becca Hicks — Thu, 31 May 2007 00:52:17 -0500

i discover myself wanting something so terribly it hurts.
wishing i could alter things about myself to make things happen.
but i know that i must obliterate this obsession from memory.

i'm much too juvenile to be this attached to something so mature.

i've tried this once before and failed.
i only dug myself a deeper grave.
becoming excessively misplaced in my emotions...
letting them control my existence.
i don't want to relive those moments.
by only wanting something i couldn't possess.
caused myself to fill a void that i fashioned for myself.
i still sense the ache within my heart.
and still desire that i would never have considered any of this.
occasionally, my thoughts threaten my welfare.
putting myself into situations i'd rather not be a part of.
but i know that i'll be all right. i just have to keep telling myself
that despite the fact that i want this so horribly, i'll have to allow it to fade away.
i'll have to let it go no matter how bad it hurts…
no matter how much i'll lament releasing it.
don't think i'll be capable of looking it in the eyes with unchanged manner.
i'll always have recollections of the long lost history…
but i know this is for the better…i just have to be strong

and let it go.

here it goes. i'm throwing it over the edge,
into the profound, sinister, abyss..
never to be seen once more.

i sense the grip of my hand gradually lose its influence.
as the obsession that apprehended me for so long
floats downward at a steady velocity.
a few moments later, vanished from sight.
gone forever.

i can, at last, breathe once more
and salvage my previous being.

Becca Hicks — Sun, 27 May 2007 22:34:37 -0500

Senses Fail Lyrics

Calling All Cars Lyrics

Calling all cars we've got another victim
'Cause my love has become an affliction
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

I'm sorry but I think I failed to mention
I lied at my very first confession
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

'Cause this has been building since I have been breathing
And I know how it's going to end

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

Oh my dear, what have I gone and done now?
It's curtain call, I'm about to take my last bow
What did you expect from me?
What did you expect from me?

Without giving away the entire ending
I ruined the evening again

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You knew all along
Try to forget me and just move on

I don't have love left inside, inside
And I don't have love left inside, inside
Are you desperate for an answer?
I don't have an ounce of good left in me now
That's why I walked out

So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word when I swore that I would let you down
And now that I'm gone
Try to forget me and just move on
So will you scatter my ashes where they won't be found?
I kept my word and you hate me for it now
You hate me for it now
Try to forget me and just move on

I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
I am not the one that you should blame
So take what I left you for the pain
And do your best to forget my name

dear boy...

Becca Hicks — Wed, 23 May 2007 14:27:52 -0500

dear boy,
i wish you wouldn't have hurt me so bad. i say that i'm strong and i will make it, but it still hurts like crazy...and i feel like you've ripped out my heart and torn it up as many times as you felt like it.

all of the promises you made, apparently were just made to be broken. i can't believe i thought you were telling me the truth about everything. you lied to me and stole my happiness. i thought my life was hard enough already, and then you go and do this to me.

you are the third guy in my life in the past 6 months who have done this to me. i gave you the benefit of the doubt, even when i knew about your past. how could i have believed it? am i really that oblivious? apparently. the reason i didn't give you my first kiss was because i was testing you to see if that's the only thing you were out for...i don't know if that was the case, but, it happened the way it should have. i'm glad i didn't give it up..even though i planned on it for our next date.

everything that you told me...i was amazing, beautiful, pretty, cool, a great person...do you still think that? or did you ever? was it all a lie like everything else? i can't even tell with you anymore.

my self esteem was already low enough...so when you started saying those words to me, i believed them because they made me feel good about myself, i now know how vulnerable i am..thank you for pointing that out. what was wrong with me? please tell me, i'd like to know.

don't expect me to be your friend right away..i have to heal and get past the realization that it's true that we won't ever work out. you were my first real boyfriend...and you'll always be special to me. believe me. it will take a lot to disreguard all of these feelings. just give me some time to heal...then we'll see how it plays out after that.

i loved you.
guess that doesn't matter anymore.

thank you for making my first date the way it should have been...
i just wish it could have been different.
this ends the first chapter in relationships..
and so far, i don't like it.

i don't think i'll be dating for a long time.
-becca

rambling.

Becca Hicks — Mon, 21 May 2007 17:03:48 -0500

tomorrow is my last day as a sophomore.
it's crazy how fast time has gone by.
i'm halfway done with highschool...
then i'll be headed to college to pursue my special education teaching dream.

it's almost scary how fast time is moving.
i used to think that a week was basically forever..
now i blink, and a month has gone by without me noticing.

i hate it.
but i guess it's all just a part of life.

so much has happened.
i've been hurt a LOT, met a lot of new friends who i don't know where i would be without, went through a lot of hard times, and then of course there were the amazing times...like my first date, advancing to nationals with my youth group, getting accepted into an AP english course, and then seeing my best friend walk across the stage when she graduated high school.

nothing will ever be perfect...i already know that, but lately the only thing i can do is smile. i know that god has everything in his hands and whatever happens will happen for a reason and that i'll come out of the storm victorious and happier than ever...i can't wait.

we're going to see my aunt this weekend i think. her cancer is getting worse...and well, i just need to see her. i don't know how long we'll be up there, but i will have internet and my cell phone if you guys want to talk. i might call a few of you just to talk..it's gonna be hard seeing her in the condition she's in right now...

but yeah. i told you i'd ramble today.
lots of stuff on my mind. ahhh. goodness. too much on my mind right now.

god's taken control.
now, the hard part is to sit back and let him take care of it...when all i want is for it to go my way...but i can do it.

sooo...

Becca Hicks — Sun, 20 May 2007 22:08:31 -0500

maybe this is a good thing...
if i can make it through this storm, i can get through anything.

i'll be okay..
i promise..
just give me a little while to get back on my feet..
and keep me in your prayers.

=]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 13 May 2007 09:11:38 -0500

oh my goodness.
last night was perfect.
great guy.
great movie.
good food.

it was great.
hah.
=]

first date ever = happy becca.
yeah, it was pretty cool.

i'm happy, he's happy.
he didn't pull any crap.
he was a complete gentleman.
i love it.
haha.

mmhmm.
and i went to bed with a smile on my face.

just thought i'd let you know. =]
love you all.
[becca]

...

Becca Hicks — Fri, 11 May 2007 16:36:23 -0500

so, life is pretty good right now.
can't complain.

school is almost over, thank god.
i'll probably have to take finals this year, though. heh. =[

but um. so yeah. hunter is pretty much amazing. haha.
even though he won't be on here to read this for a while.

not much to say really at this point.
i'm just pretty happy about everything.

um. not really doing anything this weekend.
anyone have any ideas?

update...

Becca Hicks — Mon, 30 Apr 2007 16:15:31 -0500

so as i'm sitting at home sick with nothing to do and bored out of my mind, i figured i'd write a phusebox entry.

fine arts districts competition was this past weekend. i competed in praise team, female vocal solo, large human video group, short story, and digital photography. i advanced in large human video group and advanced with 1st place in our worship team. i'm pretty excited. we're going to indiana this summer for a week for national competition. since i didn't go to nationals last year, i'm really glad that i get to go this year.

umm. yeah. that's basically been my life for the past three months. just a buttload of practicing. but it all paid off. and i've gotten a lot closer with my leaders...so that's pretty cool. i'm still trying to adjust with being in a new youth group..and i'm sorry if i didn't go to your performances (family worship group), but i felt like i had to support my group first...if you know what i mean. i don't love you any less. ;]

but congrats to everyone who advanced. i'll see you in INDY! =]

this summer's gonna be crazy though. i'm going to the 2nd week youth camp with the church, then i'm also going to the 2nd with kids camp with the church...it's gonna be different since i won't be a camper that week. and then i'll have national fine arts....along with any extra schoolwork i might have to do since i'm taking an AP english course next year. fun stuff.

but yeah.
i'll shut up now.
haha.

love you all...
[becca]

Becca Hicks — Fri, 20 Apr 2007 16:47:28 -0500

i love this picture. =]

hmm

Becca Hicks — Wed, 18 Apr 2007 22:21:45 -0500

hunter needs to hurry up and get home.
i miss him a lot. =[

haha. i don't know if i can live through sunday!

----------------------------------
but yeah. report card wasn't as bad as i was expecting. i DID, however, end up with 2 D's, a C, a B, and 2 A's.

hah. you should know that the two A's were driver's ed and women's select choir. hey, at least i can pass those classes! (i AM a good driver, no matter what anyone says..haha)

but yeah.
all in all, today was a good day.
it started off with some pretty amazing phusebox messages.
and i think my days are only gonna get better from here.

god's blessed me with someone amazing.
and...man, i'm loving it. haha. literally.

welllllll,
love you all.
i'm going to bed.
[becca]

[happy]

Becca Hicks — Tue, 17 Apr 2007 14:00:27 -0500

so yeah. life is goin pretty well right now.
even though i know i'm getting an F on my report card tomorrow.

um. well. things are finally working out for me and someone..so that's good. it gives me something to look forward to every night. checking my phusebox messages =]

but right now i'm sitting in study hall.
just got back from driving for driver's ed..haha, i think we're going to sonic tomorrow. then the next day i get to hit the interstate..i LOVE the interstate. haha. probably because i'm addicted to going fast. haha.

ummm. i think that's it for right now.

[becca]

p.s. HUNTER MORGAN IS AMAZING!!!

[apathetic]

Becca Hicks — Mon, 09 Apr 2007 22:47:37 -0500

i had books full of poetry and writing that i had done.
most of it was from really bad times of my life.
so when i thought i had gotten past my bad times,
i threw it all away. all 8 notebooks full. last summer.
i really wish i hadn't now..cause i want to look back through it.
remembering what had happened and why i felt that way.
because i'm starting to feel the same way again.
and maybe if i could look back through them one more time,
i could see what pulled me through. who helped me. who didn't.
i wish i still had that creative flow to write again.
but lately, everything's caused me to block.
i'll sit there with a paper and pen, wanting to write.
and all i can do is sit there and look at the paper
because i can't get anything out of my brain.
there's so many things i want to say, and get out.
but i can't, they're all mixing together.
just like my life, there's nothing normal about it anymore.
sometimes i just want to get out and run away.
i can't tell you where i'll go, but i'll just start walking.
maybe even running, as far away as i can from this place.
sure, i'll come back to visit...after i find out who i am.
i've changed myself for so many people, i don't even know
who i am anymore. i've faked my smile for years now.
i've trained myself to become numb to everything and everyone
around me and the situations i want to avoid,
because they make me feel uncomfortable.
i'm at this point in my life, so confused.
i feel like i've been forgotten by those people who used to be in my life.
i'll call them to talk and catch up, and they're always too busy for me.
not like before. before, i'd call and they'd drop everything for me.
i used to be able to walk into a place and people would be fighting to sit with me.
and now, i have to search for a seat, which usually ends up being in the back row.
alone. just how i feel in the inside. i guess it just corresponds.
i'm sick of feeling this way. so fake. so, unrecognizable.
but every time i try to change, i just dig my grave deeper.
so, i've decided to stop. i don't know how i'm gonna get better.
i honestly don't know where my life is heading at this point.
so i'll go through the motions of everyday life...
hoping something will change and automatically make life different.
but i doubt anything like that would happen. especially for me.
i don't even have but two true friends right now.
they really mean the world to me, and i know they love me no matter what.
i can't say that i feel that from everyone else.
i feel like an outcast, and that's just the way it's gonna be.
i don't feel like i belong anywhere right now.
"things will get better, just wait" that's what everyone says.
but i can't seem to believe it. because i've been waiting for a long time.
and i'm only in worse shape than before.
so before i go back to my fake self, putting on a show for everyone,
i just wanted to let you know that i do love you guys.
no matter if we're friends or not, you can hate my guts and want me to die.
and i'll still love you. that's just me. i forgive and forget.
some people can't seem to do that anymore.
now you know how i'm feeling at this point.
"i'll be okay"...that's what you said, right?

[venting]

Becca Hicks — Wed, 28 Mar 2007 22:17:10 -0600

this is basically just a venting post for me. there's probably no one even reading anymore. but know that this is not just a sob story so you'll feel bad for me. cause that's DEFINITELY not it. i just want to let those who are curious what's going on with me right now.

-------------------------------------------------------------

so i don't know if any of you know this, but i've struggled with depression for a LONG time. i've always had low self-esteem and didn't ever really believe in myself. i think that's something i'll always struggle with. always.

but yeah. i was put down a lot when i was growing up..not so much from family, but from people outside of my family. they would make comments about me and such, and when you're little hearing someone say that "she needs to lose weight. it looks bad" you don't know any other way to react than to think, you know, "what's wrong with me?" and that's just what i've always thought...still do, to this day.

i've had my run-ins with guys. since i have such low self-esteem, everything that i hear from a guy's mouth that's a compliment, being nice to me, or just talking to me, i cling onto it. i guess i just enjoyed the attention and such. so yeah. i can still be like that, but i'm getting better. but because the guys knew i was like that, they have always taken advantage of me. they know that i'm vulnerable, so they think that, hey, what the heck. yeah.in the past 4 months, i've gone through 2 guys. we never dated. but they did their share of breaking my heart. i'm really hurt and nothing's going to change that for a while. i'm going to really try to stay away from boys for a while. i can't keep getting hurt over and over and over again. and yeah, i'm still young. i can do that. even though it will be hard, i'd much rather have a friend than getting hurt yet again.

a couple summers ago, i was in the process of changing churches. that was one of the hardest times in my life. i grew up with everyone at my old youth group..i knew them all since i was 2. i know this is harsh, but i HATED going to this new church that my parents wanted to try out. it wasn't "for me" and i didn't fit in. i went about 4 or 5 weeks before anyone in the youth group talked to me. pastor nathan was the only one who really made it a point to talk to me. it was bad. my self esteem only went down from there. i felt like i was invisible. literally. i came from a church where i was one of the most popular girls in the youth group to a church where no one knew my name except for the youth pastor because he saw it on a info card. those first few months were really hard.. i hated it there. i just wanted to leave and go back to my old youth group. things did start to look up, and while i've made a lot of new friends & best friends, i still don't feel like i'm completely accepted. i mean, i may be, but when you struggle with yourself on a daily basis, it's hard to feel loved all the time. it REALLY is.

the next thing is high school. for me, high school completely sucks. you are judged the whole freaking time by every freaking person that walks by you in the hallway. being one of the "bigger" girls in the school, i feel like everyone is walking by me and saying "oh my god. she is so fat." i just know they are. i can feel them looking at me and laughing. and like i said, i may be making it all up in my head, but this is what it feels like. i do have my group of friends that i talk to, but there's only a select few who i call "friends". and i only have two TRUE friends. i'm completely honest. and most of the time, i go through every single day putting on a show for everyone..smiling just so people won't ask me what's wrong and why i'm always depressed. I DON'T HAVE A REASON. okay? stop asking. please. and i usually won't have a reason. i'm just like that. it's how i've always been.

i've got a lot of stress on me right now. while battling with depression, there's a bunch of stress at home as well. my aunt is battling cancer, she lives in missouri and i haven't seen her since christmas. i miss her a lot...and i'm constantly thinking about her...all the time. i don't even know when i'll get to see her next. it's crazy. and it gets to the point where i can't sleep most of the time. i will go to school running on about 3-4 hours of sleep...my mind never stops running. i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do the next day, week, month, and year. every night. it goes on. and i can't stop it...and because i'm getting such little sleep, i'm doing horrible in my classes. i even failed english last six weeks.

and because all of this is going on, the smallest things can trigger a bad reaction. it gets pretty nasty. i'll snap and go off on people for no good reason. i'll just completely stop talking for days on end, or i'll just go ballistic.

i'm not proud of my recent actions, but i do take complete responsiblity for them..

and because of my stupidity, i lost a friend today..because i just lost it. i broke loose, and lost a friend over it. i regret it, but there's no way to go back into time and change it all. he told me to never text or call him ever again. yeah. i hate that, but i deserve it in a way.

if you guys have any comments/questions/concern
s. i'll listen and answer them.

i appologise for all of my recent actions. and for the next few months, i WON'T be the same. i can already tell you that. and i probably won't be talking much for a while.

i need to do something about the state of mind i'm in right now. i don't quite like who i am..and i plan on changing that.

just be in prayer for me.
it's just not a good time in my life right now.

thanks to all who read.

ugh.

Becca Hicks — Wed, 14 Mar 2007 14:41:42 -0600

i hate being sick.

i've been sick since late sunday night.
which freakin sucks.
i've missed a LOT of school...which means becca gets a LOT of work to do over spring break. yay. =[

but yeah.
i think it might be the flu.
which is just great.

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

hahh

Becca Hicks — Fri, 23 Feb 2007 16:38:21 -0600

Get the code at www.winterrowd.com

[update]

Becca Hicks — Mon, 05 Feb 2007 23:01:59 -0600

yeah. so life is crazy.
i've been under a lot of stress.
my dad totaled his car..
my grades are falling..
and to top it all off.....
my aunt was re-diagnosed with cancer..
it's even worse this time around.
she's all i think about now.

but i'm really trying to stay positive.
i really am.

i just thank god every day she's still here with us (even though she
lives in st. louis) and for all my friends who keep me sane while al of
this is going on. i love you guys.

yeah, so other than that..nothing's really happening in my life.
still single.
but still smiling.

yeah.
so, that's my update for a little while.

AND rachel davis came back to school today!
i was excited and happy for her..
but i know it's gonna suck getting caught back up.

hehe.

Becca Hicks — Thu, 01 Feb 2007 21:45:32 -0600

i was going through some pictures on here and found a bunch of baby pictures...hahahaha. i got a kick out of them =] so i uploaded them on here..go look and laugh. it's funny.

[hey there delilah]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 14:37:54 -0600

life is so "blah" lately.
i don't know. it's like i'm waiting for something to happen...
and it never does.
i keep waiting for "the guy"
or the "perfect opportunity" to approach me.
maybe i'm not doing something right?
i don't know.

it's like i'm not happy, but i'm also not sad.
i'm in that in-between stage where i don't know what to do.
or how to handle things that come my way.

yes, i am extremely blessed and have a lot compared to some.
and i'm definitely not complaining by ANY means.
i just find myself wanting more of what this life has to offer.
and today i just put it in god's hands.
i'm hoping and praying that whatever i'm looking for
(which i'm definitely not even sure what it is)
will come to me one of these days.

hmm.
maybe.

okay, that's where i'm at right now.
*sighs*

[becca]

Becca Hicks — Sun, 14 Jan 2007 22:37:08 -0600

be in prayer for rachel davis.
she was running across thompson lane to get to Miller Colleseum for the Tractor Pull by the Ag Center. A car didn't see her running across and hit her. I don't know for sure exactly how she's doing..but i do know that she is okay and will recover.

It will take ALOT of strength, courage, faith.. and heart.

we love you rachel!

wow.

Becca Hicks — Tue, 02 Jan 2007 21:03:41 -0600

okay, so i haven't posted since last year. ;]

hmm..not much has changed.
i'm still dealing with a lot of stuff, but it's gotten a lot better.
umm..school is still a big worry in my life. especially when it comes to retarded biology and my sucky teacher (whom i dislike.)
everything else is okay..umm...i guess. i can't think of anything else.

my dad traded in his old firetruck for a car that me and my brother could use...it's an older car and all, but it runs pretty well and it'll get me from place to place while i'm saving up money and working for a new car...then my brother can have it.

uuummmmm...school tomorrow...ughhhhh. i really, really, really hate that. not looking forward to the constant stress to return. funfun. [not.]

i really miss my old friends..you know, the way they used to be. i was thinking about that today. it really upsets me how stupid people could drive someone so far away from themselves. ughhh. i could slap some people right now. lol.

i hung out with cherry today..that was fun..and interesting..lol. we talked about EVERYTHING. it felt good to talk to someone about everything that was going on when they're involved in the same exact situation. let's see...we went to starbucks, to the movies just to see that nothing good was playing, the mall, walmart and then back home...haha, she finally found someone who couldn't ride a bike either. ;] hahahaha. i love you girl.

but yeah, that's about it.
christmas was good, i got everything i wanted basically....umm, new years was fun... =] hehe.

well, yeah, i'm gonna go.
love you all,
[becca]