Left brain.

Rite fear of Hemi's.

Corpse Colosseum. 

That this entire world is some cosmic joke being played on me to see if I would accept Kosmihumorism. Kosmihumorism is the belief that all existence in this universe is simply made up for the sake of fooling and confusing me (I am the only thing that exists here, of course) until I accept Kosmihumorism. The catch is that this world is designed to confuse me by pushing philosophies and religions which make hints to or distracts from Kosmihumorism. If I accept it, then I am free. But if I don't, then I have hope and am trapped in this maddening world.

Why have you hated the idea of an online relationship?
Personally, I know that people get hurt and are imperfect. We humans are not so resiliant so as to not feel torn or hated or unloved. It is our nature as emotional creatures to feel these very things, to be aware of our thoughts and pitfalls and other people. (barring the problem of other minds, of course) Knowing this, how might I communicate my love, my care, my patience, and my protection unless I am right there, face to face with her? Or if she is hurt, how might I hold her, or simply hug her? Those are impossibilities. All that can be given are words and thoughts. Mere expressions of feeling and delight, insight and empathy.

Certainly, I thought, these would not be enough. However, knowing what I have just stated, I found myself wanting to protect, to hold, and to just sit patiently with her. How maddening to have a mediator of a electronic phone! My hope and expectation is that I will see her soon, though not soon enough. I know that it is hard on me, and I bet it is hard on her. And that's what I get for being in an online relationship with a girl ... who means so much to me. Paradox.

I switched from a B.of Science in Psychology, to a B.S. in Psychology and Philosophy double-major.

Now I am going for a B.of Arts in Psychology, minor in Philosophy. I'ma take more german and math classes on top of psych and philosophy, because I like them and they help finish off my BA requirements.

Unofficial schedule for the Spring, 2008

When are ya gonna visit me? Do I have to come down there or something?

(Turn, turn, turn)

There is a season

(Turn, turn, turn)

And a time

for every purpose

under heaven

---

So, things move on. ...Part of me feels like I value forgiveness even more. It happens, ya know, when you really screw up or when someone is really hurt on account of you... and you keep coming back, trying to make things right. It is futher emphasized when she is still hurt from something that happened over 7 months ago.

"Meh. Things will get better," I say to myself. I guess that is my hope (or delusion) when I know I have little control of the situation. Anyway, I built a computer (old parts from 2 or 3 of my nine computers I own), and it is running a server with  Apache with support for MySQL, PHP, FTP, and other fun stuph. Included in this bundle is a pretty forum. Will I use it? Meh, doubt it. But it is still cool nonetheless. Information technology... I wonder if I should add that to the list of things I want to study (again)? Expensive. Nevermind.

And you call yourself a problem solver? What blasphemy.

Analyze! What's wrong with you?

Arminian -- "If it weren't for free will, everyone would go to heaven." 

Reformed/Calvinist -- "If it weren't for God's mercy, everyone would go to hell."

Laws are based on practicality, while they appeal to principles. This does not mean that a law is necessarily good, or even that the principle they appeal to is morally sound. It simply means that a law is meant to be reasonable, serve a purpose, and helps society. For example, the speed limit is a restriction appealing to the damage known to be likely if a collision is made, and this not simply on how many people can handle the high speeds. The purpose is to minimize damage, and effectively reduces the extent of damage in collisions (whether with cars, deer, ditches, or others).

Because the law is not in itself a principle, nor moral in itself, should we obey it? Yes. Does that mean that one should never go above the speed limit? That is exactly what I mean. It is wrong. Why? Because it is breaking the established law. "But that doesn't sound like a sufficient reason," many will say. Yes, it may seem the case that going 26 mph in residential areas is rather silly to be considered wrong. But let us not get distracted from what the law is.

First of all, the law is supposed to be reasonable. Therefore, anyone should be able to obey it. It is not outside of your ability to go under or equal to the speed limit. Secondly, the law serves a practical purpose in that it should have an obvious or implied reason that people will understand readily. Higher speeds are more dangerous, and we are restricting potentiality by limiting speeds on roads. Any law that does not have a practical, understandable reason behind it is therefore impractical and defeats the first purpose -- though not necessarily subjectively defined. Further, a law is meant to help society. People get hurt, things are destroyed, claims are filed -- all of which are parts of societal regression.

"I see, but that still doesn't make something necessarily wrong if I break the law." Actually, yes it does. Remember that laws are set up and are for society. It may be obvious that laws are beneficial to society, so it can be obvious that you are willingly setting aside your own benefit when you break a law. But it doesn't end there, for it applies to others benefit and it is set up by the society. People in a country agree on what conduct is acceptable, and what is not. They agree on the principles, or at least their application, such that they can live peaceably together. These agreements of conduct -- and some other criteria, such as location and duration of dwelling, etc. -- are what qualifies one to be a member in that society.

But a society is not just an informal or remote concept, because it is composed of the people who interact. The people within this construct of society have a social contract with each of its members. Each member recieves benefits from the society. The members have access to trade and goods, have standardized living conditions, are protected from those who harm, and are socialized into moral, responsible persons within the context of the culture. The society gives them security and unity. The society keeps the population consistent and prevents unreasonable deviation.

The members within a society recieve each of these benefits, and their membership is largely defined by them. Indeed, it is because of these benefits that members are also defined by their allegience to abide by the laws. The members agree not to murder each other, and therefore expect others not to murder them. They agree to not steal, and therefore expect others not to steal from them. This reciprocity is necessary, for without reciprocity laws are worthless -- the principle to which they appeal may stand firm, but the law is hollow because there is no mutual agreement.

Therefore we see that any member who refuses to obey the agreed laws has therefore defied, rather ungratefully, the very laws that have protected him and his peers have obeyed. Any such member has breeched his social contract. The society deals with the offending member according to the severity of the breech. If significantly destructive, the individual may lose his membership entirely. Such a result may follow with exile or death, for he is without any of the benefits of the society -- such as protection, socialization, and others. However, a society may restore an individual into right-standing, and the people within that construct may resume imparting their benefits.

Given such a case, a law is therefore within a member's ability, but also it is his duty to obey them. But why would it be wrong if I went 71 mph on a road with a speed limit of 70? It is wrong simply on the basis of respect and honesty, responsibility and duty, reciprocity and unity, reliability and integrity. These concepts are matters of virtue, they are not the laws but rather the principles to which the laws appeal. Therefore, anyone who willingly exceeds the speed limit has knowingly been irresponsible by bringing division and has not reciprocated the protection -- not only to some minute degree, but simply has.

Now, what if I break the law and am not caught? I am still dropping my end of the contract, only within my own integrity and honesty. Does this make the law nullified? By no means: it ultimately means that I am a law breaker who is without society chastising me for my ungrateful disdain. My lawless behaviour may not be felt by the society, but the psychological consistency has been compromised.

However, what if a law is impractical, or what if it appeals to an immoral (or defective) principle? Change the law. Do not break it until the other members agree with you, that breeds division and rebellion among the people, not the destruction of the law. Therefore, nullify the law before it is broken such that you maintain your allegiance and respect to the society. It is the duty of a free, responsible member of society.

Romans 13:
[1] Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.
[2] Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.
[3] For rulers hold no terror for those who do right, but for those who do wrong. Do you want to be free from fear of the one in authority? Then do what is right and he will commend you.

Sweet! Praise God!

a) I do not spend my last paycheck. I will have it available after my next paycheck is cashed.

b) I assume the worst with a car: it might need repairs up to $250 in a random circumstance. Therefore, I set aside 250 bucks in case that comes up.

c) I swallow my pride and can ask my parents for money if necessary.

d) These safeguards are there only in an emergency. I do not dip into these in a planned, or expectant manner. For example, I won't buy a car that I know will have $220 worth repairs, knowing that I have the defense of $250 to cover it. That is counter-intuitive to the purpose: to be prepared for the unexpected.

e) These safeguards are flexible enough that, if in duress and absolutely necessary, I may use them elsewhere with the knowledge that I have then lost the safeguards they were intended for.

I am tired of payday advances. I never want to be in debt (not even a mortgage), let alone to a payday advance store. I sometimes wonder if I am being unreasonable about this. But then I really don't want to be trapped in one place if I am called to leave. I realize that being called in such a way is not expected, but I guess that is another safeguard I want. I don't want to be stuck between God's calling and my selfishness... because one is obviously right, and the other can be avoided.

"But Jon, you'll miss out on a lot of good things." Like what? hypothetically, say I bought a car and was doing so in payments for the span of 3 years. First of all, it isn't mine until it is completely paid. So, this good thing that I am missing out on is really something that isn't mine to enjoy necessarily. Further,  I am bound to the person I owe. I cannot get away from it until  the 3 years of payments are up, or muster the money to do so (for example by selling it to someone to pay the rest of the payments off). Either way, I am bound to the owner until it is paid off. And what if I lose my job or a few things come up which tie up my money ... such that I cannot make my payments? I don't want to be in that position. That horrifies me.

I am not saying it is impossible to be in debt or even that borrowing money is wrong, I just don't think it is wise... nor do I want to be in that position. God never says anything against borrowing or lending, except in that the borrower is a slave to the lender and also that one should not lend money with (unreasonable) interest.

And to furher run from the problems they encounter... priority of spending:

1) Tithe

2) Bills and debts

3) Savings

4) Giving

5) Personal spending

Tithe more than a tenth, don't get too many bills, save as much as you can, give what people need, and be frugal in miscellanious spending (don't eat out often).

Meh. I'm an idealist NT.

You heard it here first.

1997 Oldsmobile Eighty-Eight. 127,608 mi, blue. In very good condition. New brakes, newly-installed used-tires. Not cheap, but I think I am making a decent deal.

Hosea was an interesting 'minor' prophet. But an interesting question: Can you love someone without being faithful? Yet she said she loved him.

I'd give some eProps to the maker if this were Xanga, but I think he will understand my appreciation just given this "Thought" was posted.

Seems like the text box is running slowly, but that just might be my computer or IE. :: shakes fist ::

Regardless, I migrated all my remotely important files from my host computer over to my primary-operations computer. I am gonna switch some stuph around, make my computers are little bit more efficient.

I saw a car on AutoTrader.com. It looks like a steal. The problem is, a) it is like 60 minutes away and b) things tend to not be true if they are "too good to be true"... The soonest I can get down there will be this next weekend, so if it really is a steal... someone will probably get it first.

I think I will try Lindsay. Slowly, but consistently strong. Then people will look at her feet, as they are swept off the floor. Okay, I joke. But I'll try.

So far I suck at composing original music, but I think that might change after I actually pick up the system in my head. By system, I mean how the keyboard has tons of notes in an orderly, ascending pattern. For some reason, I haven't been able to pick it up. Familiarize. Initialize. Integrate. Become.

I got a latin book from the library, as well as a copy of the Koran (Qu`ran). And e-Sword allows me to have a nice compilation of... what?... like a dozen Bibles? Sweet! German, Greek Septuagint (sp?), Vulgate, ESV, KJV, ... pretty much all I could need.

... and I feel like I am Solomon. Could I even imagine telling myself two years ago I'd seriously consider an agnostic (or any non-Christian) for romance? I may not have treaties with other nations, but I am looking desperate, aren't I? Either way, I was fairly disinterested before... but earlier today romantic poetry spewed forth from my digits. What the heck? Rational Wisdom, depart not. I love thee more than the follies of this world. ... I think. >_>

I am also taking a summer class. The first three lectures were on worshiping the Science god, or rather... "SCIENCE IS AWESOME. EVERYONE SHOULD DO IT." But focuses too much on empiricism for my tastes. Maybe I need a balance. Or maybe I will be glad this class only lasts 6 weeks. 10 page research paper and an 8 page experiment proposal. Not fun.

The Flies

It was late last night, my clock said it was just after 4:00AM. I gasped aloud, "Oh my God. What is that smell?" My stomach was turning sour and my head felt heavy as a brick. I heard flies buzzing all around me in the room. "Oh God. Not again. Not again." My head became red as I vomited on the floor next to my bed. I reached to turn on the light. My eyes squinted as they adjusted, and I saw that there is nothing but my vomit. Not a fly in sight, and no buzzing could be heard. The putrid, heinous smell which was before was then either masked or gone. The wet towel was on my nightstand in case this happened. I cleaned it up as I did every other time. After I calmed down, I got back to sleep. But it still doesn't make sense. It just doesn't make sense.

It was about a year ago since this crap started happening to me. I remember this distinctly because it was right after my accident. Late at night, on St. Patrick's day, I was crossing the street to get over to my downtown flat. When I started to cross the garbage-filled road there not a single moving car in sight. But then came a small car squealing around the street corner, dodging a few of my neighbors. He hit me with his stupid, little Volkswagen Bug, then swerved into a streetlight pole. He died that night. I hadn't: I came out with a concussion and two maimed legs.

The guy was about 26 years old. According to the police, he didn't have any alcohol in his system. "Odd," they said, because it was the holiday. But everyone knew him as a quack. He was a conspiracy theorist who talked to himself often. Sometimes he would run down the street late at night screaming about some maggots and someone trying to kill him. He had cuts on his arms. He was being seen by a psychologist, and was on all these various medications -- all of which he said did not help him. He was completely insane, at least that's what his neighbors told me. If he had friends, I never saw them.

I will admit I was an emotional wreck after the accident. I didn't have a job and I needed help doing various simple tasks. I got disability pay after I was released from the hospital, and have been living on the government's aid up to today. Don't let anyone fool you: being stuck in a wheelchair is about as bad as it looks. I eventually had to move several times to where the rent was cheaper; and finally into a rundown apartment. These events, of course, added much to the destruction of my sense of pride. My old job was a firefighter, so naturally I couldn't go back to work. While I worked there I was very competitive; some called me heroic, but I say I was competent. But that is all gone now. My psychologist diagnosed me with depression 7 months after it happened.

It wasn't just depression. I hear the sound of flies buzzing, not just at night but also at the store and in the shower. It is sometimes accompanied by a tremendous, unbearable odor of burning flesh. I never had these problems before the accident, but they keep coming back about once or twice a week. I described it to my old best friend, and he, with a tone of disbelief, said it was "of Satan and the pit of Hell." I reminded him I was serious. We don't talk about it anymore. Heck, I haven't even seen him for over half a year.

The worst time before today was in the middle of the night about 2 months ago. I woke up panting and screaming at the top of my lungs after some recurring dream about this long claw reaching at me and flies swarming around me. The absurd part was when I went into the bathroom to wash my face and get some water. In the shower to my right I saw a burnt body ripped up and facing me. His bloody skin was sliding off of him slowly, and the tub was splattered red with blood. I immediately wheeled myself the hell out of there. I puked in the hallway. As I left my complex, the sound of flies buzzing got louder and louder like an ocean's crash on the beach. It stopped when I bumped into my neighbor around the street corner, accidently knocking her bottle of wine out of her hand. She was so kind to me, despite all my quirks and weirdness. She said she saw and heard nothing of what I was talking about, yet she offered me to stay in her apartment for a drink and have a place to rest my head. Every time I met her, she always seemed like she was trying to seduce me, but that night when I joked about the thought she shot it down with disinterest. She was nice enough to follow me back to my room and check out the bathroom.

She found nothing there. Smelled nothing. Saw nothing. Heard nothing. But I swear, I felt it was still there even then. I couldn't find it either, but something or somebody was felt there above all the senses. I sometimes wonder if someone didn't just do this to play a trick on me. This instance terrified me enough that I couldn't live with myself without finding a reasonable answer to this problem. She tried to console me and gave me her number in case I needed help.

After I had seen all these things with the loud droning of the flies, I decided I would go to the nearest church on the following Sunday. A televangelist wasn't going to help me through the TV. I was raised Catholic, but that church creeped me out already as it was. So instead I went to some other Protestant church that was closer. But they still worried me. I was with them and I sang their catchy songs. The sermon was on how to handle finances -- hardly what I needed to hear about now. I was on my way out while the pastor and his wife were shaking hands with people as the congregation left. The pastor stopped me and wanted me to tell about myself, how I liked the message and the service, and what brought me there. When I told him about the sights I had seen, he lost his glee-filled face and grew somber. He asked me to come into his office, as he thought he had a solution. I followed. "A demon!" At this point, I wanted out of this place. He tried to exorcize me and it didn't work, but then he said something to the effect of "this kind must only be able to come out through prayer." I told him I was leaving, and he warned me. That gave me chills up my spine, but I was still convinced that he was bigger nut than I was. Dead end, if you ask me.

I told my psychologist about it and he put me on some expensive medications. I never felt right when I took them, and the sounds only stopped for about a week. Big woop. Not worth it. If they don't solve the problem, I'd rather feel like myself. The first time heard the flies again, I woke up and a putrid smell felt like it was coming over my face. It's strength felt like a soft hand was going to grab me violently. In a panic, I pulled the pills out of my nightstand and downed several. I didn't know what to do. I wheeled myself over to the phone to call my neighbor. She came over immediately. Again, she didn't find anything. She was concerned that I overdosed. I passed out.

I woke up again, very dizzy. She was sitting there, eating some of my leftover chinese carryout. She asked me about the knife she noticed I had on my nightstand, but I didn't remember even owning it. She saw that I looked survivable, but told me that she needed to go to work. She left me what was remaining of the chinese food. I ate it and after a few hours went outside when my head cleared. I made my way over to the store and bought some books on schizophrenia, as well as some books about demonic activity. The cashier noticed my eyes were red, and I hadn't bathed in a while. She stared at me as I left the store. I bet she thought I was insane. But I am not. I know I'm not. I am not like the psycho who hit me with his car.

My psychologist suggested I write everything I knew about my history. I think this is a good start. It is time to turn in for the night.
-- Raymond Ellis.

10:25PM
March 13th, 2005

A man searched the remains of an apartment. Everything was ransacked and most things were destroyed with fire. A bloody knife was on the floor with a melted handle. The man looked through his belongings and into his filecabinet. It was the only thing without any burnt papers inside. Inside was a notebook and some drawings of claws. Opening the notebook, the man scanned the only passage. A smirk grew on his face and he spoke aloud, "I found something. Take a look at this. This guy was a fruitcake." The officer handed the notebook over to the detective. "What is this?" He paused a moment, and handed back the notebook to the officer. "Bag it. This will probably help explain his accident." The detective walked into the bathroom and quickly covered his nose, "Holy... Somebody come get this. He's in the tub."

ROCK AND ROLLLL!!!!!!

Hapkido (PED142/242) [2] -- A

Moral problems (PHL118) [3] -- A

Intro to Statistics (STA282) [3] -- A

Philosophy of Religion (PHL230) [3] -- A

Social Psychology (PSY330) [3] -- A

Psychological Testing (PSY310) [3] -- A -

Semester GPA: 3.94
Cumulative GPA: 3.54

:-D

Meanwhile, I'm still single and that's okay. There's this Rational though. She reminds me of Daria, except a theist. Although, I'm not sure if she is a Christian -- her roommates are Christians -- because I didn't ask her. I like her laugh and composure.

I like to climb things. It almost got me killed this evening, though, because I climbed a tall buildin, and got on its thin roof with a 35+ft. drop to some pavement. Go me. Praise God.

Daniel 4 has this really cool passage from like... verses 33 through 36 or something. Powerful. Moving. The confession of a man whose sanity was lost but was restored.

I get tested for the yellow belt in Hapkido a week from tonight. crazy.

No? Listen to them.

Yes? Like 'em?

I saw them in concert last Friday night. They seemed sweeeeeeeet to me.

"Christian Materialism" ... Right. You, sir, spent almost 2 hours giving a presentation on why Dualism must be wrong, and that the Bible doesn't support (or commit itself) to Dualism. Interesting, but hoo-hah, check your sources more in depth. Namely Mathew 10:28, John 4:24, 1 Corinthians 15:42-50, Acts 1:7-8, Luke 23:43, etc.

God's timing is perfect -- I taught about the Resurrection two Sundays ago. I prayed about what God wanted me to teach, and I wouldn't have been as prepared tonight with all those verses had I taught on something else.

I am doing some parkour tonight, hopefully. I gotta figure out how to land properly, otherwise I will probably break something tonight. On camera.

1. ~E
2. F -> J
:. ...

ISFJ or INFJ or ISTJ or INTJ or ISTP or INTP

Guideline, not a rule. Laugh, it makes me feel less nerdy.

I've been doing things wrong. When you run out of life, you run out of time. When you run out of time, you run out of life. Therefore, if you know how to manage your time, then you know how to manage your life. If you mishandle your time, you mishandle your life. I am not entirely convinced in free will, but I know this: I am responsible for my actions.

So what am I doing with my time? Surely I can do better than this. I need to stop focusing on how I relate because I suck at that. Instead, I must first know myself and that will open the gates to what I need to do in life and how I fit in this world. For certain, every person is a puzzle and every human is a piece of a greater puzzle. I must therefore know what shape I am and what I look like in order to relate to the pieces around me. Otherwise I might as well be flipped over or continually rotating randomly until I just happen to fit in.

I am young and foolish. I haven't done much except child's play. I am tired of living like this, and I wonder when I will grow up. I know I have goals in life, but when are those possible if I am just a steam engine with no logs, or a car with no wheels? I need to get myself straight before I can go anywhere.

So this is my focus:
Personal application and reformation. God in my life. Nothing else could possibly matter right now. No school could trump that, no girl is worth pursuing before that, and no time is left to lose.

This is your life. Are you who you want to be?
I dare you to move.
Today is all you'll ever have.

Crap, I need to get off my duff.

A little more than a month ago, when she broke it to me, I felt like puking for a day and a half. I never shed a tear, for all my tears for her were shed on the night of August 13th, 2006. After the day of stomach ache had passed, I was fine. Everyhing was dandy. And so it has been, generally, since then.

But as always, there is a remnant that always remains. For when you give your heart, whatever you give, you can't get all of it back. So, you can't just turn off love. I still care for her more than I do most of my friends, but not out of romance. Meh. At least I can get to sleep at night in a timely manner, unlike back in July last year.

And the weird thing is, she is gonna read this.

But I won't go into more detail, really. Because I want to patch things up. I want to move on romantically and find someone else. I met this really cute INFJ, named Jessica. English Major, works at the library. I'ma ask her out. I was about to ask her this evening, but she wasn't there.

And it is hilarious, because on the way to where I expected her to be, my mind froze and my mouth got dry. Anything rehearsed was totally lost. Hah! This reminded me to say to myself, "Jon, just shut up. Don't think of anything elaborate beforehand. It won't be natural and it will be lamer than lame. Just dive in when you get there."

I got like 6 CDs (or rather, 2 double-discs, 3 cds, and a cd for my mom) for a little more than 37 bucks. Sweet deal for new CDs, eh? This is including shipping and handling.

I also bought a water filter and boots today. Yay.

I am identity. Who am I?

Seriously. What the heck?

I am tired of this bullcrap.

Today is all I have.

I hit the sack expecting another day. I nap expecting to open my eyelids again. I am tired of living like this; it isn't rational, it is lazy, it is impractical.

I am going to go study, I don't know what tomorrow might bring and I have nothing else to do today... by this point.

• Systematic Theology, by Wayne Grudem


• The Best Question Ever: A revolutionary Approach to Decision Making, by Andy Stanley


• Above All Earthly Pow'rs: Christ in a Postmodern World, by David F. Wells


• (and technically Martin Luther's Best Works)

Sweet!

I learn. A lot. So much that I wish I learned it sooner, but at the same time... glad I learned it now. Yet all the while, feeling like it was a serious blow to my brain -- like the "Eureka!" you shouted in your head suddenly shook your body with immaterial soundwaves -- you get tired fast.

It inspires me to go on a pilgrimage and totally travel to find extremely new circumstances and situations, reflect and write what I learned... then move on.

And apparently I suck........and ROCK with kids.

Sleeping for 12 hours is not overrated.

And so far I know I got an A in Philosophy and a B- in English. I haven't heard back from the other two classes.

One more paper, why am I procrastinating???

I decided to go do some minor parkour'ing and stuph outside. Bad idea. It is wet out. Result: sliding off a steel bench causing a bruise on my hand (I need to type) and landing in a very wet flowerbed (I would like to be dry).

Central Michigan University must love me.

I know this girl loves me. This causes me some awkwardness. We were friends and everything. I like being around her and stuph, but honestly... I don't know what she is going to do about it. I was really interested in her a while ago, but as we got closer I was hesitant and foolish simultaneously -- creating a feeling that I wanted her and that I didn't.

So after final exams she'll be going back home. I probably won't be confronted about it until she comes back to CMU. But seriously, I am so torn about this. Why? Because I want to be in control, but she won't give it. She consistently keeps it in her power for either of us to pursue the relationship.

Theoretically, I know how to take the power for myself. But every time I think about it extensively I find myself reconsidering on personal moral grounds. Stupid ethics. Stupid concept of morality which includes individual responsibility. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

It has even been keeping me from writing my papers. I hate this.

When I think of our next time we will see each other, in all likelihood, after new years, I get so torn -- do I approach with a hug or do I stand waiting for her to make the first move?

If I make the first move, it makes me wonder: Would I be essentially giving her the power and purpetuating the struggle? But if I do not, then she continues to decide when we move. Conversely, it could be the case that if I move first that it would give me the decision whether we move or not simply by emotional/social/psychological pressure alone.

Matt and I discussed this a lot, only not directly. He claimed that guys are required to make the move in all instances, because if he doesn't then he is submitting to her and giving her the authority.

While I can agree, I don't think it necessarily fits that I would be submitting. For example, perhaps she tries and I say "You are coming to me, but let me think about it." This would essentially feel like the power over decision is wholly rested on me.

Power aside, I do love her. Love aside, I do have a paper to write. Paper aside, I am very ready for a break from this routine.

And I need a car, desperately. Pray for me, please.

P.S.
I was convince the guy was a loser by his composure, dress, conversation style and vocabulary, plus how he and the girl interacted together. The idea that he is an EF just doesn't help his case, I guess.

I am not worried about my exams.

I am bothered by my papers -- a 4-6 page (REL140) that I haven't started and a 8-10 page (ENG201) that is worth 20% of my grade.

Händel's Messiah is good listenin'.

Meanwhile, I saw this really, really beautiful girl at the library. Amazing. She works at National City, a bank I frequent. She was studying, perhaps with a tutor -- thus I didn't bother her. But I was so tempted to.

I have a coupon that needs to be used by 12/31/06 for Coldstone. Girls normally like ice cream. I am not going to eat alone, and I don't think I want to eat ice cream with a guy. So it would naturally make sense to ask a girl.

Here is an example of how I started to bother to make an attempt. Scene: A lit hallway outside of the enterance to the library. A girl sits on the bench, quite nice lookin'. I am sitting on the other bench. She looks at her notes, my thoughts include, "She is probably waiting for someone. But if she isn't then I can still try."

"What are you waiting for?" I ask.
She points, "Him."

As he started to pass me, I was almost immediately convinced he was a loser. From what I could tell, he seemed like he was an extroverted feeler. Out of sympathy (but more coutesy and trying to hide my attempt to rock), I smiled and went back to my paper that I was critiquing. Thinking, "eh...I knew it."

Denied.

So, aside from having IE's new version. I noticed something interestingly odd.

When I look into the mirror, I often contort my face. Like as if I am expecting it to be horrid or weird, but it doesn't fit to my expectations. Look at my new photo. I did that. Come on.

Do I believe I am not-hot? Or am I just not-hot and contorting my face makes me look better? Either way, something sounds unhealthy about this whole thing.

Nuggets.

All night long.

She tells me that all I have to do is take one more required class, and a bunch of various psychology and philosophy courses (of my choice).

Then I am done with college.

Honestly, I have fulfilled pretty much every other requirement (especially after this semester)

That is to mean, when I see something is out of my hands, I just let it go almost immediately and become quite apathetic. "Eh, whatever happens. I'm not worried."

Or if I just don't care in the first place, someone might be concerned on my behalf, I remind him by saying, "Eh, it doesn't matter. I'm not worried."

Or when someone apologizes to me, "It's okay. Don't worry about it."

I was going to go to a football game. The football game had pouring rain slapping the faces of many students and other spectators. The wind was blowing hard, and very cold. Almost freezing.

I lent my gloves to a guy. He thought I gave them. Well, he left. As he left I was thinkin', "He didn't return the gloves! Hah. Eh, whatever." I knew that in going to the football game, I would have no gloves. I didn't care too much. I thought to myself, "So the guy had my gloves, what does that matter? I have pockets, he needs the gloves more than me."

My dad was surprised that I just didn't worry in any way, and that I let it all go with very little opposition initiated. I just simply didn't care enough.

The next several days, my dad thought it was in his place to tell the guy to return the gloves. Eh, I thought he should just keep 'em if he thought I gave them, and this especially so since I didn't care. I mean, come on. I would rather give than lend anyway.

So the guy came back to me a few days later, "Dude, man. I thought you gave them to me. I'm sorry." I told him, "don't worry about it." He shifted the conversation, "The thing is, I lost them. I think I left them at my sister's house." I almost laughed, "That's okay. Just consider it an indefinite loan."

My dad approached me later, I told him that it was okay. They guy can have them, I am not worried. My dad remarked that I was blessed to have that ability to not be worried about it. To that I replied, "God has blessed me with gloves before, he has blessed me with a job. He can bless me again with gloves if he wants."

I bought gloves that were on sale Thursday night, they were better then the old ones.